I’d always imagined that streaming was for someone else. I’m not that cool, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t have the right stuff. People might laugh at me. Then, I saw a friend of mine had been streaming back when Mixer was still a thing. It suddenly made it feel real - I knew someone who did this and it didn’t seem that hard anymore. He had built a vibrant community of friends, and watching him play and interact with people was entertaining and motivating enough for me to think that maybe I could do it after all.

I’d been thinking about building a new PC for gaming, and COVID was on the horizon, so I knew I’d find myself with more time on my hands than before. But I still lacked the confidence to push the button to go live! I’d spent so much time tweaking my environment, setting up the software, developing some branding, etc. but I still feared the judgement, and so for a long time I put all that effort towards improving my work calls, since I use the same set up for Microsoft Teams as I do for streaming.

Then one day – I’m not sure exactly what pushed me over the edge – I started streaming. To nobody at first, or occasionally a fleeting visit from a random. It didn’t matter. It just felt exhilirating to be ‘live’.

I’ve often said that I’m not doing it to become famous or rich, and that’s absoultely true. I stream for three main reasons: 1) it’s fun, and I enjoy playing games with people and having the interaction. 2) It builds my confidence having to think on my feet, fill the silence, run the show - it’s hard work. 3) It makes me enjoy the games I play more, because I’m forced to play them properly. I’m a terrible gamer, I don’t have the patience a lot of the time. I guess it’s why I’ve completed so few games, and don’t really feel like I’m hooked into any one franchise. But if I’m streaming, I owe it to my viewer to play properly. I’m not a pro, I’m not endorsed or paid by anyone to do it. I’m just your average Dad, sitting in my shed, enjoying gaming… and I want to be relateable to the versions of me out there who will never stream, but who might watch.

Mental health has become particularly important for me in the last year, being under lockdown at home. As my confidence has built, I’ve even begun to stream with my sister. It’s great to be able to do something together even though we’re separated by hundreds of miles. We’re probably more in touch with each other now than any time since she’s been alive.

So that’s it, really. The Internet is full of horrible people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still meet great people, and have fun, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

The fear hasn’t gone away entirely, but now I run towards it.

Thanks, 8-Bit-Eliott, for introducing me to this brilliant hobby.